Is it Really over?
Wednesday, August 30
I love summer. I love all things about it, and I can't freaking believe that summer is almost over. I know, I know, the kids will be back in school, the house will be much quieter, we're only three months away from Christmas, but summer is such an amazing time. I truly feel as bad as the kids do about the whole damn thing.
I mean really, what is more fun, sitting pool side, kids jumping and splashing, Mom's laughing and the sun shining down warming my heart. Or going outside at 5, its already dark, bundled in three layers of clothes to stay warm, and hell, I can't even to try and make this sound good.
Maybe its because, when summer comes, I feel like I'm 16 again. Worry free, full of life, and just happy. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was a teacher so every summer I was able to stay home and enjoy just chilling out at the neighborhood pool. Since I've had my own kids, I've worked very hard to try to keep them out of daycare in the summer so they can have a similar experience. Watching them running through sprinklers, sleeping late and waking up mid-morning with no cares in the world beyond who can play to day will be something they can reach back to as adults to hang on to.
Three more days to eek out as much pool time, play time and sun time as humanly possible.
I mean really, what is more fun, sitting pool side, kids jumping and splashing, Mom's laughing and the sun shining down warming my heart. Or going outside at 5, its already dark, bundled in three layers of clothes to stay warm, and hell, I can't even to try and make this sound good.
Maybe its because, when summer comes, I feel like I'm 16 again. Worry free, full of life, and just happy. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was a teacher so every summer I was able to stay home and enjoy just chilling out at the neighborhood pool. Since I've had my own kids, I've worked very hard to try to keep them out of daycare in the summer so they can have a similar experience. Watching them running through sprinklers, sleeping late and waking up mid-morning with no cares in the world beyond who can play to day will be something they can reach back to as adults to hang on to.
Three more days to eek out as much pool time, play time and sun time as humanly possible.
posted by Amy's Working @ 1:45 PM
1 comments
Burnning in Hell
Thursday, August 24
This weekend we attended a baptims and I needed to get a gift. So my first stop was hallmark - they have all kinds of wacky crap that I think would be good for a gift, but alas there was nothing that peaked my interest. Then hubby mentioned a Christian store down the road from us. Now I've been to the shopping plaza several times that this store is in, but I've never registered it in my 'stores database'. You know the, driving down the road, see a shop and file it away for a later day. Once I recovered from the shock that hubby knew about a store I didn't AND that it was a christian store, i knew it would be a perfect place to go.
So I walk in and think I'm in borders. Only its all for Christians. Apparently Christians with cash. The kind that donate to GW. And I realized, I have missed my calling. There is cash in the god squad and I did not take the opportunity to create all kinds of crap these folks would buy. Besides bibles, which I expected, there were tons of home decorations - all kinds of subtle cross iron work, pretty stones with quotes, lovely prints that just happened to have scripture woven into it. I should be rich off this crap.
My favorite and I mean had to buy it, and bring it home to hubby was scripture candy. I shit you not. Check it out - yes you can order it at the CHRISTIAN DOLLAR STORE. I swear if I would have known that writing the psalms on a chocolate bar could make me rich, I would have totally done it. I have spent the last week looking at every day products and thinking if I could god-ify them. God's Toilet paper - oh they have some with prayers on it already. What about Cleanliness is next to godliness cleaning supplies? Or the all gods creatures version of pet smart. I'm telling you I have missed it.
I will save you all from a rant on how these business are totally exploiting the masses and taking advantage of a group of people who have stopped thinking for themselves and don't realize that the profits from this stuff are most likely going to some creepy kid toucher in Alabama. Instead I implore you to pray for my soul because each night as we cry because we're laughing so hard at the messages on our bible verse butter mints I realize, its official, I am definitely burning in hell.
As for the baptism gift, I stayed away from "Mommy why did Jesus have to die" bed time stories and went for the lovely precious moments child on the knee praying frame.
So I walk in and think I'm in borders. Only its all for Christians. Apparently Christians with cash. The kind that donate to GW. And I realized, I have missed my calling. There is cash in the god squad and I did not take the opportunity to create all kinds of crap these folks would buy. Besides bibles, which I expected, there were tons of home decorations - all kinds of subtle cross iron work, pretty stones with quotes, lovely prints that just happened to have scripture woven into it. I should be rich off this crap.
My favorite and I mean had to buy it, and bring it home to hubby was scripture candy. I shit you not. Check it out - yes you can order it at the CHRISTIAN DOLLAR STORE. I swear if I would have known that writing the psalms on a chocolate bar could make me rich, I would have totally done it. I have spent the last week looking at every day products and thinking if I could god-ify them. God's Toilet paper - oh they have some with prayers on it already. What about Cleanliness is next to godliness cleaning supplies? Or the all gods creatures version of pet smart. I'm telling you I have missed it.
I will save you all from a rant on how these business are totally exploiting the masses and taking advantage of a group of people who have stopped thinking for themselves and don't realize that the profits from this stuff are most likely going to some creepy kid toucher in Alabama. Instead I implore you to pray for my soul because each night as we cry because we're laughing so hard at the messages on our bible verse butter mints I realize, its official, I am definitely burning in hell.
As for the baptism gift, I stayed away from "Mommy why did Jesus have to die" bed time stories and went for the lovely precious moments child on the knee praying frame.
Gluttonous
Tuesday, August 15
I have many vices but I realize one of my worst is my gluttony. Food, you bet, if its good and I love it, I can eat until I feel like I just need to lay down for a while. Drinking you bet, I was very scared by my cravings for tequila while I was pregnant. Sex - ok before kids I was a little horn dog. And work, fuggetaboutit. I gorge myself with responsibilities until I'm drowning in work and I choke on it. When my work load is manageable and I'm achieving work life balance I actually feel restless.
Today I keep looking at my responsiblities and thinking I can do more!!! If I want to advance, I can suggest taking on more work, then I'll get paid more, bigger bonuses and climb another couple notches on the corporate ladder. So is that ambition baby or just plain stupid behavior. Why do I think, maybe its time to start grad school, get that MBA when I'm holding a ten week old at home? What makes me drive myself forward when I could just chill. Its not just financially driven, its something much deeper and more in my personality.
Trying to prove my worth to the world? Maybe? Driven to make myself a success and not ever have to worry about money like my folks did - yeah that's part of it. But some of it, I think is just part of who I am. My compromise is more work from home and less time in the office. Still lots of hours but at least now the kids can walk by and we can take ten minutes to learn about letters on the keyboard and then they they go back to playing and I go back to working. That's much better than water cooler talk anyday.
This week I need to decide if I'm going to ask for more work. Maybe I can get a vomit bucket so if I choke I can at least spit it out before I just overwhelm my system.
Stop your whining you are at the beach!
Thursday, August 10
So the last post was all whinny and morose and sad because my family and I don't have the relationship that I want. But really, how bad is it when I'm sitting on my bed typing this morning looking at the ocean with the sound of surf in my ears right? The kids love it here and there is nothing that gives me more joy than sitting on the sand and watching them frolic in the surf. And it really is frolicking. Lots of skipping over waves, running back and forth as the water comes in. Sometimes falling and popping back up giddy with laughter. They are ocean babies and I am so glad because there is no place I'd rather be at any time than the beach.
As for the whole darn family, I need to get over myself. I think the first few days are like jumping in a cold pool. Your body is shocked, the air comes out of you and it takes a few minutes to realize you're supposed to be having fun. Once you get swimming around you get used to it and it doesn't seem so bad. That's where I am now. I'm also trying to do a lot of self analysis and determine how much am I part of the problem. None you say... Well you'd be right. No, that's not true, I am part of the issue but I don't know yet how to fix it. So many threads sticking out that I could tug on and the risk is that I make a big ol mess rather than straightening it out.
I am vowing to spend the next 2 days in a happy place, and try to see the good in everyone I'm sharing this house with. And if worse come to worse I will drink copious amounts and pass out by 10.
stranger in a strange land
Monday, August 7
So the thing that's hardest about the beach is I sit around the table looking at my family and feel like I am a stranger who has to pretend to be something she isn't. The person I was at 18 is not who I am today, but I can't seem to shake that with my mother and brother. Instead I am totally fake and do my best to keep my mouth shut. I walk around feeling very anxious and work hard to keep quiet and end up being very tired from all the acting.
Hubby and I fight too because I ask him to play along and he gets mad for me. So damn valiant that one. But, for as much work as it is to pretend, its even more work to deal with them when you're honest.
Does any of this make any sense? I'm tired and ready to disappear but if I were to bail now there would be talk in the morning. Is everything ok? How do I answer that? Just wanted to go down and cry for a while because I hate the way we all act around each other and after a while it just gets to be too much. Probably not the best way to answer things.
When you live in a family of secrets where nothing is as it seems, of course a person gets tired. I wonder what my kids will remember from these vacations when they're older? Frolicking on the beach or Mom and Dad whisper fighting in the bedroom talking in code as to protect their innocent ears from the knowledge of how fucked up aunts, uncles and grandparents can be.
I'm Coral and Hubby is the Miz
Friday, August 4
I'm headed to the beach with my herd, my parents and my brother, his wife and new baby. Your thinking oh how great, a fun week with everyone. Ahhhhh, probably not my family.
I love the beach, I love vacation, I love watching my kids play in the surf, but seven days stuck in a house..... where people stop pretending and start being real. The real world - Family style. I mean really, if the week was filmed we would be the next hit on MTV. Move over the hills, its my F*ED sweet family beach house.
There are villans, there is definately crying in bedrooms. There is at least one major knock down fight. And while we don't cavort around naked in the hot tub, there is drinking, and on more than one occasion hubby and I have snuck up to our bedroom while everyone is out on the beach for a nooner.
Ok so maybe this week, to help me cope and not find myself feeling like an 18 year old who just wants to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I'll try to think of my family in terms of my favorite real world characters. No road rulers for me, those kids were way to in shape to count in my house.
And yes, eventually I will write about why I disappeared for so long, but for now you'll just have to appreciate that I seem to be coming back. Besides if ever there was a time I was going to need to vent, this week is it!
I love the beach, I love vacation, I love watching my kids play in the surf, but seven days stuck in a house..... where people stop pretending and start being real. The real world - Family style. I mean really, if the week was filmed we would be the next hit on MTV. Move over the hills, its my F*ED sweet family beach house.
There are villans, there is definately crying in bedrooms. There is at least one major knock down fight. And while we don't cavort around naked in the hot tub, there is drinking, and on more than one occasion hubby and I have snuck up to our bedroom while everyone is out on the beach for a nooner.
Ok so maybe this week, to help me cope and not find myself feeling like an 18 year old who just wants to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I'll try to think of my family in terms of my favorite real world characters. No road rulers for me, those kids were way to in shape to count in my house.
And yes, eventually I will write about why I disappeared for so long, but for now you'll just have to appreciate that I seem to be coming back. Besides if ever there was a time I was going to need to vent, this week is it!
Lucy you got some splanin to do!
Wednesday, August 2
I know, bitch right? If I were your kid you would totally beat my ass. Just disappear one day, no forwarding address, no goodbye, just gone.
First, I'm sorry for making you worry, I am a very selfish person and you, dear internet, got a good taste of it. Second, I had some good reasons which are too long to write about today. Really, whats more important, updating the look and feel or writing something meaningful.
I still don't know how back I'm going to be, but I really do miss being here and I had a blast today getting everything all gussied up. I figure I've gone beyond dipping my toe in, I'm definately standing in the shallow end, but not sure if I'm ready to go all the way.
I'm a born again blogger virgin... nervous, excited, scared......
Bottom line, I'm fine all is well, and yes there is a new addition to the family and she is amazing.
First, I'm sorry for making you worry, I am a very selfish person and you, dear internet, got a good taste of it. Second, I had some good reasons which are too long to write about today. Really, whats more important, updating the look and feel or writing something meaningful.
I still don't know how back I'm going to be, but I really do miss being here and I had a blast today getting everything all gussied up. I figure I've gone beyond dipping my toe in, I'm definately standing in the shallow end, but not sure if I'm ready to go all the way.
I'm a born again blogger virgin... nervous, excited, scared......
Bottom line, I'm fine all is well, and yes there is a new addition to the family and she is amazing.
Dipping my Toe in the Water
Tuesday, August 1
So I stepped away for a while but I miss this place. Today I'm dipping my toe in the water, we'll see if I'm too scared to jump in or I take another dive.
God I'm dramatic.
God I'm dramatic.