I'm angry.
Angry at myself,
angry at my family,
angry at my spouse,
angry at my friends,
angry at my work,
angry at my children.
Pissed.

Everyone wants something from me. I owe everyone something. Everyone.
Time
Love
Attention
Work
Me.

I'm in life debt and there is no way to declare bankruptcy, chapter Amy 11 and start over. Sure I can work the todo list. Lord knows I can do that. I can figure out a path forward, do the thousand little things I need to do to make it just a little bit better. But I have to give up more right? That 2 hours fo TV that allows my mind to just regroup - have to give it back to the cause. The 30 minutes of reading in the morning, my own form of meditation - owed to someone else.

i belong to everyone by myself. And i am told by everyone exactly how much I'm NOT doing for them. Not enough for friends, family, work, kids, spouse, not one gets enough. I've robbed peter and paul to try and make it work and maybe they feel like they've given me time, not asked for much because they know i was borrowing to give to others. Maybe i'm emotionally immature, selfish and think folks should understand what's happening and i'm not explaining it well.

but when, how, where do i ask for me? Compassion? Love? Understanding? Patience? Is my credit score that low that I can't go to the bank and get a loan on some of this stuff? Can't i trade in the daily phone call to mom for the last year to get a few months where I do work on the phone during my drive home rather than talk to her because it means i can leave a little earlier so my kids get some time?

is it too much for folks to understand that i'm not just doing a job. i'm not exaggerating when i say i'm helping with important issues in our country. that it's a form of deployment not unsimilar to a soldier. that i see this as a personal, patriotic committment. that i have literally hunderands of employees and THEIR families counting on my leadership. that I have thousands of customers who need 1000 percent of my effort so they have what they need to be safe, literally their lives safe?

i am prone to drama and exaggeration, but truly, the cost of not doing this, of quiting now, of cutting back in this moment will affect all of us. can't that mean something to someone besides me?

i am not a quiter

i figure out how to make it work

i have to figure this out or I will be alone.

proud of my accomplishments proud that i helped our country in a real, tangible way, but alone.

for today, right now, I am just going to be angry becuase the only way, the only possible way is to give away all of me - leave nothing back for just me. be totally unselfish. then everyone will have me, what they need from me. and what i need, i guess that doesn't matter right? part of the sacrifice?

i won't ask for anything in return because it's what everyone is owed, my committment to them as a friend, mother, wife, employee, relative right?

i'll try it for a week, see how it goes, see how much I miss me, see what selflessness really feels like and maybe in doing that I'll find a moment for me here and there, a precious second of time to write or read or watch or breath.

i don't like this feeling, i don't like being angry, i don't like being a disappointment to all around me including myself.

so today, i'll just be angry. good and mad.

tomorrow i'll deal with giving it away.