So the thing that's hardest about the beach is I sit around the table looking at my family and feel like I am a stranger who has to pretend to be something she isn't.  The person I was at 18 is not who I am today, but I can't seem to shake that with my mother and brother.  Instead I am totally fake and do my best to keep my mouth shut.   I walk around feeling very anxious and work hard to keep quiet and end up being very tired from all the acting.

 

Hubby and I fight too because I ask him to play along and he gets mad for me.  So damn valiant that one.  But, for as much work as it is to pretend, its even more work to deal with them when you're honest. 

 

Does any of this make any sense?  I'm tired and ready to disappear but if I were to bail now there would be talk in the morning.  Is everything ok?  How do I answer that?  Just wanted to go down and cry for a while because I hate the way we all act around each other and after a while it just gets to be too much.  Probably not the best way to answer things. 

 

When you live in a family of secrets where nothing is as it seems, of course a person gets tired.  I wonder what my kids will remember from these vacations when they're older?  Frolicking on the beach or Mom and Dad whisper fighting in the bedroom talking in code as to protect their innocent ears from the knowledge of how fucked up aunts, uncles and grandparents can be.