Can it already be 3 years since I brought you home, stared in your huge blue eyes and wondered who you'd become, what I would give to you, how badly I'd mess you up?

Happy Birthday to my curse, a mini-me who already knows how to say f-you with just a look. A mini-me who says no and shows no remorce for her mistakes. A mini-me who dances, rocks and sings whenever she gets the chance. A mini-me who I will try and not squash into a mold of a good girl, always doing the right thing. I'll be ok with whoever you want to be.


I know you will be successful, you have the family gene. You have a history of great women to learn from, to teach you. It is a blessing and curse. The gene scare me, the way it makes us women in our family, I'll try to remember during the teen years - I already am dreading the fights.

I dreamed of being president, I promise to let you dream whatever you want.

I am scared of what your future will look like - sex, boys, rape, war, cancer, death, looks education - all of it. I'll try not to shelter you into a false reality, I promise to teach you to be safe without pasing on my neurosis.

Still only 3, but it feels like 13 and 23, are just around the corner, I want it to go slow, yet am anxious to see what you become.

I am blessed.

Dr. X's office can I help you

Yeah, I need to come in and see Dr. X

Why?

Um why?

Yes, why?

Because I think he's hot!

Will it matter if I tell you - will he look at the reason the night before and prepare? Is it possible that i give you a wrong answer and somehow end up with an appointment in June? Do you think I want to take off time from work to sit in an office for 30 minutes, show you my insurance card for the ten-thousandth time, then be taken back by a nurse that is nothing short of rude only to finally get to the doctor that I like and is the only reason I tolerate this bullshit office?

Why not ask a little nicer "what seems to be the problem?" or "can you give me a sense of what's going on?" I have to sign all kinds of privacy freakin' documents just to see a doctor, but when I call, I'm supposed to spill my business to you AND you're rude?

Well actually, there's something wrong with my leg - it's numb in this one spot.

I've never heard of that.

ARGH - are you the doctor - no?

Well, I have it, and it hurts when you touch it, and I want to make sure it's not some kind of blood clot or something serious. This condition is also known as mother and sole-bread winner every ailment I have could kill me syndrome.

Well the doctors busy this week, how about the nurse practioner?

Fuck, I failed, I should have said my heart stopped beating last night.

Ok, she's fine - tomorrow at 4? Sounds good.

4:30 -NP - Hmm, Let me go get Dr. X, I want to talk with him about this before we formally diagnose. Oh, so I rate Dr. X after all huh?

Lateral Femorol Nerve Entrapment - ha bitch - next time save us all some trouble and just let me see the hot fucking doctor!

What's so wrong about wanting to be alone some times? Is this a phenomenon tied to only-children? introverts? anit-social?

I'm not any of those, but I love alone time, it's not me time - me time is the trips to Elizabeth Arden for several hours of pampering. Alone time is when everyone is out of the house for an extended period of time and I can just be with myself, my thoughts and no one is up in my space.

My husband does not understand alone time, I resent him for it. My kids don't understand alone time, I vow to teach them the pleasure of it. Knowing that there was no chance I get the kids and him out of the house for days on end, I decide that I need to go for little pockets of time.

This morning I locked myself in the bathroom and ignored all knocks, pleas, cries and husband inquiries as to what I was doing, when I was coming out, and claims that others needed to use the toilet - hello there are 4 in our house, you don't need mine! What did i do? Just sat in the shower with the water beating down on me and spent some time alone. After I was out and drying off, hubby asked with slight sneer "oh is this some of that alone time?" Rather than take the bait, I put on my sweet smile and in the kindest voice said - yep and I need to do this from time to time or the alternative is I rip your fucking head off and shove it down your neck - you chose sweety.

Mom you're going to rip off daddy's head?!?!?!

Just mabye!

And off to work I went.

I just got my iPod - she's a mini, pink, and is my new obsession.

I've read about others falling in love, and thought it was over-rated, over-hyped, or those people were not like me. Wrong!

Here's what happened to me - arrived on Wednesday, looked at it a little, but vowed to hold off until the weekend. Then Saturday, got the coffee, and decided to see how many it will really hold. Next I went and got every CD in the house and started going through them and reviewing: do I love the album, a song, or is this one of my husbands - hello did I know you loved Rush so much? Then I would determine if they were pod worthy and into the computer they went. My entire family thought I was nuts - "honey, when are you going to get off the computer?" In a little bit, I just want to get through rock bands!

I've loved all kinds of music and all kinds of bands, so as I loaded up my Pretty in Pink iPod, I did the equivalent, of "this is your life". My sexual discovery to Madonna Duran Duran and my I'm a "bad girl", hair band's like Poison, Motley Crue, and Van Halen. OU812 - how I have missed thee. Then my eclectic grunge, flannel tied around my waist years of Pearl Jam and Nirvana coupled with dance club tracks where I used to go to kiss boys. Rythm is a Dancer and a wild night on a boat in Greece are one in the same and always will be.

The whole time the music was loading, I was in my own little world - before the hubby, before the kids, before the career, and I would sample songs of the albums and remember parts of my life that have been filed away in some cases for decades. And it was in that moment, thinking of standing in a high school gym dancing to Lucky Star that I realized Fuck, I'm getting old!

tonight -the years of courtship, marriage and kids. As for the family, they'll have to wait until I get these memories in the pod. Someday this baby is going to save me from my fate with dimentia - I may forget who my kids are and not know where I'm at, but hook me up to my pod, shuffle to the 80's Rock playlist, and after the first rif from Pound Cake, I'll remember standing on the folding chairs in theme park rockin' out with my best friend, and I'll know exactly who I am.

I have spent the entire day fooling around with blog designs, and if you're paying attention, you'll notice, it looks EXACTLY the same as yesterday. Why, because I'm doing while at work which means I'm not doing my work, and I don't have the tools or the time to really do something that I'm going to want to have around for a while. The words of this blog define me, the graphics and design should also be me. For now, green blobs will have to do, if you're a cheap web
designer and want to create a blog template that reflects a corporate mom balancing it all, who still wants to be thought of as hot, current, and fun, feel free, I'm willing to ask "how much to make this problem go away".

I've decided that rather than try to be a perfect Mom, I'll institute a therapy jar and just dump money in it whenever I've really screwed up with the kids.

Cursed 10 times today and punished you for each time you said "stupid" $20.00 per incident (approx. $150/week)

Fought with your Dad in front of you and then told you to I didn't want a hug because I wasn't done yelling at Daddy and then it made you cry - $150.00

Purposely keep the amount of Toys and games you own to a minimum so you don't feel over indulged and get a sense of what almost poor feels like even though I could totally buy you that game you want - $15.00 - I think maybe this is a good thing.

Yelled at you to be quiet so loud that you made the scared face because I needed a moments peace and I was tired of you and your brother yelling and jumping around - $50.00 - you're young enough hopefully you'll forget that one.

Watched me throw 3 plates including your sponge bob one in the trash beacuse I was pissed that they sat in the sink for 4 days and your Dad had promised to clean them up but still hadn't - $75.00

Secretly took some of your toys to salvation army because you hadn't played with them in a really long time and I was sick of the toy box overflowing, and then acted like I didn't know where the red ranger was when you asked - $100 - you never freakin played with that thing, how did you know it was gone!

Put you in your bed and yelled that if you got up one more time I was taking all your toys and throwing them in th trash and then burst into tears because I was tired and knew I was fucking you up and you were crying about your toys and then you hugged me and said sorry and didn't get out of bed - $200.

Continued the irrational and illogical behavior of the women in our family that can be traced back to your Great Great Great Grandma Freda - $250 per week per year till I die.

Hey, the jar is more than my mother ever did for me, if she has something like this, I would not only have free therapy, I would never have to fucking work a day in my life!

This is the week of double wammys. And while I'll
avoid too much of a tangent into Press your Luck and
great game shows, I love the expression double wammy
and whenever I hear it I think "no wammies, no
wammies, no wammies - thank you game show network for
continuing to fulfill that urge.

The first double wammy is the stuff that had me down
last week. I am now recovering from both a sinus
infection and a bladder infection. Double Wammy! If
you've had either, or have a degree in medicinal
chemistry, you'll know that antibiotics that work well
on repsitory infections are not in the same family as
those for UI infections. So what does that mean - a
really strong middle of the road and hope it takes out
both without giving me a yeast infection. After four
days, I can breath and pee again, and no uncomfortable
itching, so hopefuly it's working.

And thank goodness, because this week in TV may just
be the best ever. As a true addict of reality TV and
all the characters on it, nothing could be better than
seeing Reality TV Fear Factor coupled with Boston Rob
and Amber on the Amazing Race. Double wammy! Add to
that a good dose of Bachlorette final, American Idol,
Apprecentice, and Survivor, Double, Doulbe Wammy! and
I just may have to ship the kids off to Grandma's so I
don't miss any of it. Instead I'm thinking about
another TIVO - the geek in me wants to network them
together and share shows across boxes - then I don't
have to worry about when I have 3 shows on at the same
time - yes 3 or as I call Tres Wammy!

I realize that for many, TV is just something on in
the background, or not a particularly important part
of their day - I'm not one of those people! Imagine
what I could be doing around the house or with the
hubby if I didn't love the TV so much. But the truth
is, that my addicition in life is TV. I don't smoke,
I rarely drink, I don't have affairs, I just like a
few hours of mindless entertainment and I'm happy for
the night. Reality TV is my favorite right now, but
I'm still up for a good comedy or drama. The problem
with those two is that I miss friends and the rest
just aren't and as good, and with the exception of
Lost, I'm stuck with Law and Order CSI derivatives?
Still, I love it.

I think it has to do with how I grew up - almost poor.
That was the condition where you had enough so you
didn't look poor, but you're parents couldn't afford
the stuff to make you truly middle class. You could
beg for the Jordache jeans, but you only got one pair
and then had to match it up with some no name shirts
from Sears, JCPenny if you were lucky. Growing up,
there were 2 things I coveted: a cable box and a
fridge with ice and water in the door. Both
represented wealth, signs of success and great
appliances that someday I had to have! When I got my
first place, the first company I called was the cable
company - who cares about the phone, bring me some
HB-fucking-O! I can still remember being excited and
knowing I could afford a monthly bill that got me
EVERY channel. Just this past year we bought our
side-by-side ice and water in the door refrigerator.
I knew my husband was the man for me because he
coveted it as an almost poor kid too. Unlimited
channels and built in filtered water - now that's the
ultimate double wammy!