Recently I attended a training seminar put on by my company about leadership.  Some of it I'd seen before (yes I've taken the Myers-Briggs test 10 times) and some of it was new.  The two days really allowed me to get a better handle on what sort of company I'm working for, network with my peers, and figure out some of the more perplexing dilemmas that being a contractor in a secure government facility presents (it's illegal to ask age in an interview, but I need your birth date to clear you to enter the building?!?!?!)

 

For me the highlight of the 2 days was when the two founders of the company came and spoke about leadership, what they expected of us, their vision for the company and how they planned to get there.  Laid out before me was a road map, I could see the details and the big picture of how to advance and really succeed in this company.  I shared the same values and had similar beliefs in what it takes to be a good leader.  I learned how they planned to grow and could see how I could get on top of that wave and ride to the top. I sat on the edge of my chair excited by the opportunities, proud to work for a company that recognized it's people were it's greatest asset.  In a word WOW!

 

As I headed home on the second day, I started to think through the details, what it would take to advance, how I would seize the opportunity.  But age, and experience have made me more realistic, more aware of what's involved, and my balloon quickly deflated.  To be that girl, the hard charging take no prisoners one - the one I'd been at 25 -  I need to commit serious time and effort.  I need to volunteer for more work, I need to network within the company and with outside peers in the evenings.  I need to develop my own contracts in a way that makes people take notice and demonstrate my ability to meet the challenges of this growing business.

 

But at what cost?

 

Evenings away from the kids?  Working on weekends? Committing myself to another company - although I don't think they'd break my heart like the last one - it's a commitment I've been loathe to make.  Simply, I'm stumped. I know that I will have greater financial flexibility, be able to send the kids to the outrageously expensive college of their dreams.  I know that if I put my mind to it, I can make a name for myself here and will be rewarded professionally.  I know that they are a company that lives its values and I will always be proud to be an employee.  But my kids won't know me, I won't have the snuggle time on the couches at night, I will definitely not have another baby because newborns and career climbing don't mix. 

 

The answer seems easy right - family.  But it's not for me.  I know in 15 years the kids will be gone, and while they are a part of who I am, they are not all of who I am. In 2020 I will still have 15 more years in the workplace, and my career and work goals are also a part of who I am and what defines me.  So I worry, is it possible to be the girl who shows up and does a good job but shows no ambition and rides at a steady rate until the kids are older?  Will an employer wonder why I'm all of a sudden actively engaged rather than just doing my job?  Or, do I just have to accept that no matter what road map I see here with this company, I have to be OK with the missed opportunity?  It's part of the commitment you make when you're trying to be a working mom right - you can't have it all, so stop trying? 

 

Some days I'm ok being the lackey who phones it in, does enough to get by, and therefore goes home with enough energy and joy to have a great night with the kids.  Some days I wish I could give more to the job, go out and kick some ass, see how far I can really get with the skills and knowledge that I have. 

 

I can't help but wonder what women of my generation will teach our daughters.  Our mothers taught us that we could achieve anything, that college and careers were more than possible, they were our destiny.  But they didn't tell us about the trade offs, the costs, the challenges of trying to do it all.  I want my daughter to be whatever she dreams of being, but should I tell her that there are consequences so chose wisely?