I want you to think about why you're overweight. But let me save you a lot of time: The reason you're fat is that you give more to other people than you give to yourself, because you don't feel you're worth it. The bottom line is, you cannot lose weight until you make yourself enough of a priority to do the things you need to do to make it happen. People always say, "I'm too busy to exercise," "I have to be there for the kids," "I've got too much work." You know what? These are little lies you're telling yourself, and they go against the laws of self-preservation, because the more whole and healthy you are, the more fully you can give to other people. And that's the truth.

I can't handle the truth

It's canned but it's a heck of a lot easier to read........

Fuck You.....

Home owners ass. for only letting use paint colors sold by Duron.
Duron for charging 44 fucking dollars for one fucking gallon of trim.
Bumble bee for stalking me while I try to paint my house.
Duron for charging me 33 fucking dollars for some exterior paint.
Previous home owners for not fixing things properly.
Nasty crack in the wall that keeps reappearing after we've patched it.
Home depot for telling me that crack patch will work.
Cheap ass cabinets for not being easy to find replacment hardware for.
Basement bathroom for being such a pain in my ass to fix.
Mr. homebuilder's cheap ass counters where the formica peels off.
Couch for putting a hole in that wall.
Direct tv for going out when I need you most.
Laundry sink for dripping and costing me 30 dollars to fix.
Screen door for not staying on the track.
Towel bar for leaving a huge hole when I tried to upgrade you.
Olympic paint for not going on evenly and taking 3 fucking coats.
Lowes guy for telling me grey primer was better - it's NOT!
Home depot man for not knowing where the shower part was.
Lawn for not growing after 3x fucking arriation, seed and straw.
Shed for 3 fucking gallons of duron fucking paint.
Clock tick tocking away when I have so much to get done.
Neighboor for thinking that common property is part of her lawn
Brother for worrying about when I'm going to pick my shit up
Dog for smelling like a dog
Little girl for writing on my fucking walls right after I painted.
Little boy for tossing shoes down the stairs and the fucking black mark!
Hubby for doing it perfectly - hello we're fucking moving.


Fuck Me.....
For thinking that its better to do his shit ourselves!

What's up with people in stores today - have we sucked up all the talented workforce into real jobs so the only folks left to work retail are the truly stupid? Let me clairfy, truly stupid OR non-english speaking? I mean really, have you gone into a home depot in Nothern Virginia? I need to know how to say toilet in 6 different languages depending on whose working, and forget about asking any real questions. If you find someone to help you, you usually get a blank stare followed by hold on in broken english followed by 20 minutes of standing in an isle yelling at your kids not to climb the cool yellow stairs that go to nowhere - get off, get off them now or you're back in the cart - don't make me take away your game boy young man!!!! Finally they return and say "I think we're out." ARGH I know, a) you didn't understand me, and b) you're fucking lying to me.

So today I go to the paint store to get some paint to touch up the outside of my house so the potential homebuyer will think "yes, let's offer 20K over the asking price." I've called my homeowners association to ask what is the approved paint - they say Williamburg colors. At lunch I run over to the store (yes I'm the only one there in a suit who bothered to put on deodorant that day) and ask where I can find the williamsburg paint samples. huh? My hoa tells me that I need to buy your brand of paint (overpriced by 1000%) and it has to be approved williamsburg colors. uh never heard of it. Thank god for the ol cell phone - wip it out, call the hoa, and explain I'm in the paint store and they have no idea of what I'm talking about. HOA guy - um let me go look. wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, it's williamsburg colors. What the fuck does that mean????? So I calmly ask - can you tell me how to ask the paint guys for the colors since they have no idea what williamsburg colors are? Him - they should know - me - (thinking fucking idiot) let me put you on speaker so you can hear him say they don't know what you're talking about. Fast forward to 5 minutes of uh's and hold on and I find out that it's NOT williamsburg colors it's Beautiful Exterior - ah, I see, the dumb girl didn't know that all houes in williamburg had a beautiful exterior and I should really ask for that - what the fuck!

Mission half way accomplished - feeling embrazoned with my determined success -

And ask - on the back of the house it looks kind of like stucco, do you have any textured paint or materials I can put on where it's flaking off? All's I gots is paint mam. [Let me translate for those of you who went to college - all I have is paint lady.] Ok, but I'm asking for a paint product - a textured paint product. All's I gots is paint mam. Yes, I see that (i did refrain from a mini-tratrum of pointing out the ladders, brushes, sandpaper, clothing tarps and other non-paint can items surrounding me). But look at the outside of this building - see that texture, I need paint that looks like that - exterior paint that looks like that. Mam, I just can't help you - all's I gots is paint.

And at that moment I had a choice, I could either tear into this guy and really make a scene - crazy professional woman on break from lunch loses it in paint store - or I could give up and leave.

..... So, what I'm hearing you say is aaaaallllll'sssssss yooooouuuuu goooootttttssss isssss paaaiinttt?

blink, blink, blink

turned, walked away and grined - if all else fails look for the humor.

I am a fiercly competitive mother who has entered the world of little league, and I can already tell you that in 18 years, I will be the mother of a future Hall of Famer! How do I know? Simply, first tee-ball practice.

That's right, I said it, tee-ball. You would have been so proud of me! Rather than act like an over-zealous Donovan McNabb mother, I was quiet, cheered a little and tried to make nice to the other parents. Meanwhile, inside, all I kept thinking was - my kid rocks and your kid can't even hold the bat!

Here's what I don't get - why would you sign you kid up for a sport like baseball and never put a glove or bat in their hand before the first practice!!!! There were kids there that had no idea on how to wear a glove, hold a bat, or even throw a ball. Now I know that I suck at sports, so I should not be making fun of 5 year olds, but really, teach your kid how to swing a fucking bat!

So after 45 minutes of throwing, fielding and batting practice, the coach gets em setup in the field with one kid up to bat. Buddy was a very shallow short stop which meant a) he had to field EVERY ball and b) the coach knew he was the best! So, first kid up to bat - I look out at the field, and the kids are lookin' around wandering away in some cases and then I see Buddy - looking at the batter, knees bent, glove between legs at the ready and I'm thinking - hello Cal Ripken! Then, the fun began - ball is hit, Buddy runs to the ball (that's right runs to it, doesn't wait for it to come to him - I swear no one told him to do this) then he tries to throw it to First and the kid isn't looking so he says "hey" and looks at the coach and says, he's not paying attention!!!! Fast foward 2 hits later, Buddy continues to try and make an out but none of the basemen are paying attention so next kid up - brian gets the ball and goes to throw it to third (there was no catcher or I just know he would have tried to make the play at home) and he yells at the kid "catch the ball" with this really passionate voice. 3rd basemen isn't looking, buddy rolls the ball to third base! Coach says "why'd you roll the ball?" " mom won't let me throw the ball unless the person is looking, I thought if I rolled it and it touched the base the kid would be out!" Brilliant.

Finally, everyone batted except Buddy and it was his turn - kid goes up and whack - ball sails over the infield - yes I said sailed - lands in the outfield and continues to roll - assistant coach goes after the ball along with the kid running to 2nd! Buddy proceeds to guide the remaing base runners around the bases and when he touches home plate -looks at me and gives me shy thumbs up.

Ok now in case I didn't make it clear earlier, no other kid hit the ball past the middle of the in-field - then brian's sails it out of there and all the parents go whoooooaaaaahhh! I grab hold of myself and don't jump up and down and cheer - instead just clap and say good job buddy. Deep down, I was thinking - holy cow, either these kids all suck, or mine has a huge amount of talent and someday I'm going to have one of those great million dollar beach houses in Duck!!!!

Like I said, I'm a little nuts!