What's up with people in stores today - have we sucked up all the talented workforce into real jobs so the only folks left to work retail are the truly stupid? Let me clairfy, truly stupid OR non-english speaking? I mean really, have you gone into a home depot in Nothern Virginia? I need to know how to say toilet in 6 different languages depending on whose working, and forget about asking any real questions. If you find someone to help you, you usually get a blank stare followed by hold on in broken english followed by 20 minutes of standing in an isle yelling at your kids not to climb the cool yellow stairs that go to nowhere - get off, get off them now or you're back in the cart - don't make me take away your game boy young man!!!! Finally they return and say "I think we're out." ARGH I know, a) you didn't understand me, and b) you're fucking lying to me.

So today I go to the paint store to get some paint to touch up the outside of my house so the potential homebuyer will think "yes, let's offer 20K over the asking price." I've called my homeowners association to ask what is the approved paint - they say Williamburg colors. At lunch I run over to the store (yes I'm the only one there in a suit who bothered to put on deodorant that day) and ask where I can find the williamsburg paint samples. huh? My hoa tells me that I need to buy your brand of paint (overpriced by 1000%) and it has to be approved williamsburg colors. uh never heard of it. Thank god for the ol cell phone - wip it out, call the hoa, and explain I'm in the paint store and they have no idea of what I'm talking about. HOA guy - um let me go look. wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, it's williamsburg colors. What the fuck does that mean????? So I calmly ask - can you tell me how to ask the paint guys for the colors since they have no idea what williamsburg colors are? Him - they should know - me - (thinking fucking idiot) let me put you on speaker so you can hear him say they don't know what you're talking about. Fast forward to 5 minutes of uh's and hold on and I find out that it's NOT williamsburg colors it's Beautiful Exterior - ah, I see, the dumb girl didn't know that all houes in williamburg had a beautiful exterior and I should really ask for that - what the fuck!

Mission half way accomplished - feeling embrazoned with my determined success -

And ask - on the back of the house it looks kind of like stucco, do you have any textured paint or materials I can put on where it's flaking off? All's I gots is paint mam. [Let me translate for those of you who went to college - all I have is paint lady.] Ok, but I'm asking for a paint product - a textured paint product. All's I gots is paint mam. Yes, I see that (i did refrain from a mini-tratrum of pointing out the ladders, brushes, sandpaper, clothing tarps and other non-paint can items surrounding me). But look at the outside of this building - see that texture, I need paint that looks like that - exterior paint that looks like that. Mam, I just can't help you - all's I gots is paint.

And at that moment I had a choice, I could either tear into this guy and really make a scene - crazy professional woman on break from lunch loses it in paint store - or I could give up and leave.

..... So, what I'm hearing you say is aaaaallllll'sssssss yooooouuuuu goooootttttssss isssss paaaiinttt?

blink, blink, blink

turned, walked away and grined - if all else fails look for the humor.