I was so excited to talk about pee today - instead I will be talking about shit - more specifically, bullshit.

Normally I don't write much about work but seeing as it has consumed the last 5 days of my life (yes weekends count) and is getting a wee bit annoying, I must vent somewhere so here goes the rambling venting cursing story.   I am a contractor, and more specifically I manage a team of contractors and several contracts.  In addition to all the invoicing, timesheets, hr, and management functions that come with supervising a team, I also have duties assigned by the client and work with a client rep - we'll call her Beth.

In my case, the client - well she's a little nutty.  She is known as the dragon lady and for the people who work for this client, and her - well she terrorizes them.  It's all about loyalty for her - you know, you're either with me or against me.  But it's not positive loyalty, it's cut you off at the knees and smite you if you try to advance and she didn't have a hand in it. It's if you question her, or have any feedback that she doesn't agree with, and she's on you and has a very long memory.  One person on her team is persona nongratta, she is female, smart, capable, frankly normal - and for the sake of this email we'll call her Sue (sue is not her name but it's easeir than following along with just prepositions). Anway, the dragon lady hates Sue - and Sue is the primary person I need to work with for some of my contracts. 

Ok so if you're following along.  Dragon lady (aka DL)  is the top of the food chain, my primary customer interface Beth, works for DL, and Sue work for DL.  I have teams that work for Beth and Sue, I have to interface with both. 

DL was looking for me 2 weeks ago and was told that I was meeting with Sue.  No one told her why, just that I was meeting with her.  Being a very clever DL she asked one of her loyalists to begin reporting back on me - how often was I meeting with Sue.  Well because Sue and I were transitioning a project I met with Sue every other day for 30min-1hour.  DL took this to mean that I was no longer loyal to her and decided to take it up with my company.  Last wek she toook it up with Beth - I was spending too much time with Sue and must not be doing my job (making sure DL looks great) and moreover I was probably working with Sue to undermine DL and take her down.  Now Beth is shocked by this and tells me peices of the conversation.  I go into damage control and begin gathering facts.  I know you're thinking, is someone really that crazy- yes, she is.  And this is really how you spend your day - yes, sadly, it is.

Today I met with my mgmt. chain to go over all that I knew, this was like a nancy drew meets clue meeting - turns out DL had also talked to my management and between us, i learned just how much DL hated me at the moment for betraying her and also some of DL's sources of info.  They were very cool about it - know that I swim with sharks and were surprised I managed to go a whole year before getting tagged with a bullseye. You would have been very proud of me, I took the information in like I hear shit like this all the time, and I acted very professional and mature. No what the fucks, or that is such total bullshit was uttered once from my lips.  Instead we shared openly what we knew and came up with a strategy on how to handle it and left the meeting knowing my bosses were amazed at my professional decorum. So win for me.  The strategy was to go into the DL's office and throw myself at her mercy in that I'm so stupid, you're so great, please let me back into your favor sort of way.  You know in countries where the people have to show they're a good servant by crawling on their knees with hands out in front and foreheads on the ground while in the presence of the royalty.  That was me.

I went into DL's office and thanked her for providing such timely feedback to my management.  I expressed shock and deep remorse  that she thought i was not loyal to her.  I committed myself and next born to her serivce and would do anything, anything to gain her favor and trust back.  I stopped myself from gagging and then dove in for the kill - thanked her for endorsing me taking on these increased resp. and her vote of confidence in me, I knew she was the key to me having this job, and I was never going to fuck that up!  Ok it is true that DL is the key to my success here, she does need to be happy and I do need to kiss her ass when things are wrong  But still, the DL - she is nuts.

Good news is, it worked.  Bad news is, it turn out that a lot of this is because of someone who works for me!!!!!

DL's admin is one of my staff members, and in an effort to gain favor and hopefully a job with the client site she has been sharing info about the team - exaggerated for full effect - in order to gain favor with DL.  Now, kissing a clients ass, well that is just part of the job.  But this lady who is fucking with my success because she wants to gain favor with DL that's something entirely different. She took it upon herself to create a little drama, if I mentioned that I was meeting with Sue about contracts, she would tell DL I was spending hours with Sue. Now this women craves attention, I honestly don't think it was malicious toward me, I think it was her goal to gain favor with DL - it's fun if you are DL's favorite.  But I am beyond pissed -  If DL wouldn't freak out, I would have fired her today.  However, I can't do that so I have to sit and wait and lay my trap.  Yes, I am a good and fair boss, and maybe I'm acting a little DL'ish myself by looking to cut this women off at the knees, but, there is no reason that she should be speaking poorly about anyone in our company.  First, she works for my company, not the client, secondly, in addition to me, she also said stuff about others on the team, and you should NEVER speak ill of anyone to the client.  EVER. It's unacceptable and will not be tolerated.  Don't worry, i'll do the right management thing, I'm creating core client site objectives that everyone must adhere to, that way there will be no issue about this in the future - can't believe they don't already have them.  It includes confidentiality, representing the team and company to the client in the best possible light at all times, etc.  Still I'm beyond pissed and would love to take her to the company office and fire her on the spot.  Damn that would feel good - yes I understand DL because she lurks within me but I am not a sociopath and frankly, I think DL is.

So that's the story that's been brewing up and finally came to ahead today.  You know what's sad.  there is real work to be done, we have real problems to solve, and I was actually working on a few of them before I got woefully distracted with this shit. 

I also am really proud of myself, either I'm getting old or I've worked with enough crazy women that nothing phases me.  I wasn't at all upset about DL thinking I was disloyal - didn't take her attack personally, never feared for my job because once I figured out the source of it and also who was doing it, I knew how DL worked and could play the game. The employee fucking me like that, we'll I feel sorry for her because I probably won't be the one to fire her.  You see when you suck up to a DL and become the favorite, you rise, rise,rise.  But DL's they are a fickle bunch, and before too long DL's going to kick that lady to the curb, and higher the rise, the longer and harder the fall. I'll have to be the one to deliver the news, but it will be because of DL. 

All of you looking to advance yourself, don't sell you soul and colleagues to get ahead, let your merits and work be what gets you ahead.  And if you do decide to suck up to a DL and advance your cause that way.  Watch out. Me, or someone like me will eventually Kick.Your. Ass.

Thanks for letting me vent, you're saving me from acting out in the office.  I was worried I was going to look like I had turrets.  Sitting quietly at my desk then FUCK, SHIT DAMN just erupting from my mouth without me being able to control it.