Turns out my body is not able to cope with my new calm exterior.  I used to put my emotions all out in public; you always knew my reaction to something because I expressed it openly - verbally and nonverbally.  The problem with that is my eye rolling got me into trouble.  My dramatic sighs were obviously a sign of frustration, and while I was proud of the fact that you always knew were you stood with me, it made managing and advancing harder.

So I trained myself to keep in.  Now when I am in a frustrating coversation I consciously think about my tone of voice, my word choice and most importantly my non-verbals.  Yesterday I could have fucking won and academy award for my performance with the client.  I was careful to come off as remorseful, my body language reflected one of a defeated person who has learned her lesson.  While I was talking, I was going through the mental check list in my head - don't look confident, keep your body posture from giving away your annoyance at this problem. Keep the eyes down to demonstrate respect.  That's right - Julia fucking Roberts.

Last night i was finishing Eleven on Top and I read this passage (paraphrasing).  You're like a jelly donunt - if the jelly doesn't come out the right spot, then when you sqeeze it, it's going to squish out somehwere else.  That's me.  I kept my jelly from coming out of the right spot and now my jelly is squishing out in the form of a headache.  In otherwords, my calm exterior means my insides are taking a beating.  Today I am at work with a pulsing headache, it started last night and I popped an imitrex, and here we are 12 hours later,  the double vision and neasua are gone, but there is a knife slicing into my temple and and causing my eyeballs to throb. 

I will have to work hard to make sure my jelly doesn't squish out at work.

I will have to work even harder to be kind to my family today.

I will go home and ask everyone who loves me for hugs.

I will will awake tomorrow knowing I am loved and that my job is a means to provide for my family and give my kids a great life.

I will make peace with this issue and my jelly will get back in all the right spots.