I can tell by your face that you don't think it's a good idea!

I didn't say that.

Well then how come your answer wasn't more upbeat and your face DID look like you thought it was stupid?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Either your lying or your face is lying.

Honey, you're pregnant and you're nuts.

Could be, or your busted.

 

Mom, what's for diner tonight?  Raman noodles

Mom what's for diner tomorrow night? Noodles

Mom, are we going to eat noodles every night.  Yep

WHHHYYYYYYY?

Shut up the toilets are clean.

 

That's right, I've cut some corners, trimed some fat and now have enough free cash to bring in a cleaning lady every other week.  And the heavens opened, and the angels sang and all is now right with my world. 

 

I used to have a cleaning lady at our old house but since we've moved I've been trying to hold out - plus all the stay at homes in the neighborhood do it themselves and I couldn't find a reference for a local lady.  Finally, a few weeks ago, one of the Mom's confessed she had a cleaning lady and loved her.  It was like getting crack.  Shhh, amy, come here, call this lady and she'll bring the goods.  Oh, i don't need drugs. No, cleaning supplies, she'll clean your house! 

 

Thank god.  I told hubby in order to have her come every two weeks, we'd have to cut back on the gingerbread lattes and maybe not buy a new dvd every week, but other than that it was doable, and frankly, I'd rather serve the kids raman noodles every night than give this women up.  She cleans behind the toilets people!!!!  I kept thinking, two matinees at 50 bucks a pop or a scrubbed tub - no contest!

 

So all is right with my world today, my big project at work is almost done and I can go back to surfing blogs at lunch.  My baby is growing and healthy inside the ol womb, and my house is ca-lean.  As in not me doing it.  Oh joyous day - this must be what it feels like for hubby when I finally put out. 

 

Craving theater popcorn and no sign of a babysitter in site, I decided that the best way to satisfy the urge was to head out on Sunday morning for a mantinee with the kids.  Chicken Little had just opened and while I knew it would be busy, I also knew that an 11:45 show on Sunday would totally not be - what with god squad in church till at least noon. The best part was I told the kids we would go on Saturday with the only condition being good listening and no smart mouth attitude for the rest of the day and all day sunday.  Oh what a great bribe, I got lots of yes mom's and ok, mom, no problem, I'll clean up my room.  I should totally bribe these kids more often was all I kept thinking.  One little waah, and I would shoot the evil eye and say in my most ominous voice - guess you don't want to go to the movie.  Ohhhh,  I"m sorry, I'll do it. 

 

Sunday morning, all is well and they kids are so excited to the movies.  This is a rare occurance for us because while I LOVE the movies, I haven't really enjoyed it with my youngest because up until recently she'd only sit for about the first 30 minutes and then the rest of the time we would whisper yell sit, down! get over here! stop throwing popcorn!  So we hold out for DVD and I'm not tortured with chasing a little girl screaming through a theater.  But it'd been about eight months, she was sitting down through most of a movie at home now, so I was ready for the challenge.

 

Got there in plenty of time to get tickets - four people, mantinee $25 bucks.  Now I know I don't get out much, but I was a little surprised that the mantinee on a freaking sunday morning was still over four dollars.  Yes, I still think movies should cost the same as when I was eighteen, but really, this was not downtown DC, I was in a relatively new theater in the god damn country and still it was almost seven freaking dollars.  Ok, no worries, but totally feeling justified for just holding out for the $17 dvds that I normally buy.  Head up to the concession stand and immediatly have to tighten the waste on my patience pants.  I mean, is it just me or do the dumbest people in the world work at the concession stand???? How fucking hard is it to get the prebagged popcorn and a couple of drinks?  I'm not asking you to even pop it, I'm not asking you to explain the molecular science behind why the kernels pop.  I'm simply asking you to grab the bag, fill up some sodas and hand them to me in a reasonable time frame so I am sitting down before the theater gets dark.  For some reason these guys don't even qualify to work at McDonal*s instead they end up at the theater.  And I hate them.  Still, two kids packs, a bucket for hubby and I, and two drinks later and we're out another 25 bucks.

 

At that moment it hit me, holy shit, I just paid fifty bucks for god damn chicken little.  These kids better sit down and enjoy all eighty one minutes which equates to sixty two cents a minute of this disney entertainment or else I'm going to be a might pissed by the end of the show.  Once i took my first bite of my super-buttered lightly salted theater popcorn, I calmed down a little, it was fresh and still warm and as the butter made my face feel all good and greasy, the costs felt a little better, but still, fifty bucks - for a mantinee.  No Jarhead and hot date for honey and I.  No shots of tequilla and tacos, no beers with friends, this fifty bucks was for a kids cartoon that wasn't supposed to be that great.

 

We survived most of the movie with only two trips to the bathroom and one request for more food to which i promptly replied, unless you're paying for it little boy, you'll need to wait until we get home for lunch.(god I hate when I act like my mother)  The premise was ok, but the kids didn't care, they loved it.  The funniest part for me is that my daughter's favorite part was the ending.  She loves singing and dancing so as the credits rolled she was up out of her chair getting her grove on.  Hubby got up to leave and I barked at him - for fifty bucks, we're watching this bitch until the screen goes black and the lights come on. 

 

As we walked to the car, the kids gushed all over me, thanks mom, we loved it, can we go to the movies again, that was so totally great. I guess it was worth it, I love the theater experience too and totally can relate to why its such a fun time, because we dont' do it that often, it's even more special when we go.  I'll try to get them out, fifty bucks and all a few more times before # 3 shows up,  heck by the time that kid gets to be old enough, I'll need a small equity loan to take the whole family out.

I was going to write about how my darling little Prince, a mama's boy through and through had turned into a little fucker when I realized oh, Staci's already got it covered.  Either we have the same child, or there is something that happens to boys when they turn six. Now I will say this, my son may be athletic like his dad, but he's got his mama's brains, and a lot of the stunts from the last few weeks, I can remember pulling myself.  The wicked smart mouth, the flinging of insults, the threats to leave the house and go stay ANYWHERE BUT THIS HELL HOLE.  Ok, he didn't say hell hole, I didn't start referencing Mom and Dad's place as a hell hole until I was maybe 14, but his message was basically the same.

 

All I know is that Mr.Attitude better really like looking at the walls of his room because lately he has been spending a lot of time there.  Oh yeah, and if you hear about a Mom who had 911 called because she sent her son to his room three times in one night,  well that may just be me.  He's big into, I'm calling the police or 911.  Of course I hand him the phone and say go ahead, you know when they come I'll explain your bad behavior and you'll be the one in trouble.  Thankfully he hasn't taken me up on my bluff yet, but give it time.

 

What really freaked me out though was that at some point last night when my husband was yelling up the stairs "And don't you dare take that tone with your mother again".  I was transported back in time and sickened by the fact that I have ended up EXACTLY where I thought I'd never be - just like my fucking mother, standing quietly in the room, upset by what my kid had said and letting hubby lay down some laws.  I almost yelled back at hubby "oh yeah, well I take that tone with mom because she deserves it".  Just from instinct, I mean, that was the response I always gave when dad was shouting that same shit at me.  I actually felt sorry for my little man, oh boy kid, I know exactly how you feel right now....wait, I shouldn't have sympathy, he's doing it to ME, and I don't deserve it!

 

I gotta figure out how to change this song because I didn't like the melody the first time it was played 30 some years ago, and I'm not going to sing it again.  *sigh*

No not thomas the train, it's me and my gas.  Oh my gosh I am dying today.  First of all my uterus is doing the magical expanding trick and I basically have enough room for a 30 week baby inside me, already my bladder is being pushed and my diaphragm is up under my rib cage.  But whats worse is that i have awful, bend me over and groan gas.  I cry with relief when I finally let one rip only to be doubled over again a few minutes later.  What's worse is that I'm constantly running to the bathroom at work because lets face it, I already stunk out the war room with my BO, there is no way I can fart up the place and still maintain any respect from my co workers.

 

Some of it is my own fault, as I'm coming up ton week 10 I'm starting to feel more human and food besides bread and heavy starches is appealing again.  So as I add lots of veggies and greens back into my diet I am also fucking up my insides because it just doesn't know what to do with all this roughage.  I think I'm going to have to go down and dirty and get some chili or something with beans to just force the freaking issue.  I have consumed so many tums in the past two days that I have eliminated all risks of osteoporosis and can actually hear my stomach fizzle from the calcium carbonate.  It didn't really help, I still need to toot toot and toot some more.

 

What's worse is that when I'm not at work I'm totally shameless, I don't care how much it turns hubby off, I'm leaning over that bed for added pressure and letting go.  Normally I try to be a little girlie and keep that stuff under wraps, but man, I'm desperate and could care less just how gross my ass smells.  Plus, can I tell you how many times we've been sitting on the couch and he lifts up one cheek for maxim reverb?  It's not like I've given him a dutch oven, although let me tell you, I could knock him out cold if I did.

 

Today I am leaving work early to work from home because I just can't get comfortable.  I have on regular pants and since there is not maternity give in the waste, it's totally cutting into my already gassy self.  I need to be in sweats, belly relaxed and the freedom to stand and fart as I damn well please.  You know the only reason I'm not totally embarrassed by all this is because it freaking hurts - no not the way labor does, but still its enough to distract me, and hey I'm pregnant, I get to do what I want when i want because otherwise you'll get another episode like the halloween photos and really, no one wants to see that again.

 

 

When you live in a megatropolis like Northern Virginia, the thing one must remember is that on major events everyone leaves early and rush hour takes just as long.  Yesterday I headed out at 4:30, basically abandoning my coworkers - all grown or nor children - and began my trek home.  Two and a fucking half hour later I finally got home.  Being the every so kind Mom, I called hubby at six and said get them fed, get them dressed, take pictures and I'll call you soon.  At 6:30 I called back and said put the bowl of candy on the doorstep and head on out, I'll see you when I see you.

 

I got home, threw up, and changed into some comfy clothes ready to greet any stragglers that may still be around.  The kids were still not back and I was more than a little irritated, hello, it's cold, our son was out sick today, how long do you plan to be???  Finally they came back, brimming with candy and thrilled at such a great night. Little prince was wore out, took a shower and immediately feel asleep, pumpkin full of candy in his bed.  Little Miss spent an hour spinning around in her Cinderella costume carrying a pillow with her sneaker on it asking us to try on her glass slipper.  All I can say is I pity that poor girls future boyfriends, she has a major Cinderella complex and expects nothing less than the royal treatment.  Still, there is something magical about watching her, lost in her own imagination, spinning around and dancing as if Prince Charming has met her at the ball.

 

I ran out of gas soon after that because the stress of that commute just about did me in.  My stomach was rolling, I chocked down a peanut butter sandwich, two kit kats and was ready to call it a night.  Hubby was looking for the action and I just laughed - uh, unless you plan to clean up the vomit in the bed, there will be no motion tonight babe.

 

So today, I wake up, clear headed and feeling oh so guilty about missing most of Halloween.  I know they didn't care, they got candy, and I was there to great them when they knocked on the door.  Feeling a little morose, I decided to look through the pictures and also try to get some sent to family before I headed out for the day.  Turn on the camera and start flipping through, Little Prince, Little Miss, Prince and Miss.......  That's it.  THREE.  Three taken inside our house.  Any on the spooky porch  - nope?  Any with the carved pumpkins - nope?  Any of them holding their candy-filled pumpkins - nope.  Ok, maybe I'm a little crazy with the camera, but three, THREE?  ARRGGGGGHHHH

 

Hubby made the mistake of coming to stand over my shoulder at that moment - "don't they look good?".  Well all the frustration from the traffic, guilt of missing it and pregnancy boiled into one big reaction.  Uh, I wouldn't know there are only three fucking pictures here.  We've been doing this for six years, you don't know the routine yet - what about outside with the pumpkins?  What about the spooky porch, why only three?  I was hoping to have a few more to admire?  No super hero human torch pose?  No Cinderella pose?  THREEEEE?????  Ok, only the dog could hear that last part my voice was so shrill.  And maybe it was a little bit of an over reaction, he did have to put up with them waiting for me, but come one people, we've been doing this for six fucking years.  There are required poses.  How about at christmas we take pictures of them standing against the wall and not in front of the the tree?  Geez.

 

Thankfully hubby and I always say I love you before we leave the house - it went something like this.  Sorry they weren't good enough for you.  Well they fucking weren't, its bad enough I have to sit in fucking traffic for two and half god damn hours and I'm pissed I wasn't home, but I would think by now you'd know how to take some fucking pictures.  Well the batteries were dying.  Well that's the lamest fucking excuse I've heard. You had time to get some more god damn batteries.  I've got to go.  I.love.you.  Yeah me to.  Say it.  I love you.  I love you to.  Goodbye.  Goodbye.

 

Happy Halloween - can't wait for thanksgiving.

 

OH and if you give me shit about a christmas themed blog before thanksgiving - fuck off - target had light up reindeer out last week.  And if target can do it, so can I.