Ok not really shit, but there is always something on my shirt. Or my pants.  Or my jacket.  I thought that by the time my kids got older I would finally be able to get dressed in the morning and have myself put together nicely so that when I actually showed up to work I would look somewhat presentable.  But no, that still is not the case.  As a new Mom you kind of understand it - you give the baby a kiss goodbye before you head out the door and they verp on you and you have to make the quick decision - do I wipe it off and smell like sour milk all day or do I go back upstairs and start all over.  Fuck it, I smell like milk!  Then, as they get a little older its the dirty hands, or runny nose swipe over your back shoulder.  On more than one occasion I've gotten home, taken off my very cool blazer only to realize there was a snot smear across my back shoulder that EVERYONE saw but me.

 

Here I am with a six and three year old and I still am not able to get it together.  In some ways I guess I don't care since I'm about ready to head back into babyland.  But really, I thought I'd have a few months of peace where I could look cute, wear the freshly dry cleaned clothes for more than one day before sending them back, and actually show the people at work that I do know how to wear clean clothes.  Nope.  This morning I get to work, look down and there is this green streak across my lovely tan jacket - chest level.  What the fuck is that?  First I think, oh man the kids were coloring in my closet, there is going to be an asskicking when I get home tonight.  Then I sniff it - Oh yeah definately the green clover from my daughters lucky charms this morning.  When she hugged me she must have had it stuck to her hands and it smeared across my front.  Nice.

 

What's worse is all of us working Moms suffer from this. I have a girl friend who actually tries to wear business suits that involve nylons.  HA!  She can't make it out the door without a snag a run or some kid pulling on them and tearing a hole.  Of course the worse offender off any nice clothes you may own or the thousand pair of nylons you have to buy are the velcro shoes.  Those things are great for getting kids out the door in hurry, but that velcro is fucking magnetic to nice apparrel.  Pretty sweater - snag.  And nylons, fugettaboutit.  You so much as hold the shoes near a nice set of nylons and you're screwed.  But what do you say to your kid - DON'T TOUCH ME YOUR GOING TO RUIN MY OUTFIT.  That feels like one step away from a wire hanger speach ya know?  Or maybe we should institute a get dressed at work policy.  That would be great.  Get up, do hair and make up and then pull on the sweats, or if you want to be cute, the nice velour workout suit.  Head into the office, and get dressed there.  You will always look nice, you'll be comfy while in traffic, and you can always change before you head home so the clothes keep.  I see guys coming in to the office in gym clothes all sweaty and gross, what if I came in an a housecoat curlers in my hair, and my bag of clothes over my shoulder? 

 

Can you imagine HR - umm we not only need a breast feeding area, we need a changing room.  You can't bring you kids to work.  Oh no, it's not for my kids, it's for me.  You see I know VP Bob is not taking me seriously because he keeps staring at this streak of green clover on my chest which I got when I hugged my daughters this morning.  To make me a better employee and allow myself the chance to advance, I really need a place where I can get dressed in my very nice, somewhat expensive suit and not have to worry about one of my kids spilling shit all over it before I even walk out the door.  When i'm queen of a company I am totally insituting this policy!