One of the by products of this pregnancy is that at time my mind just goes blank, I mean there's nothing there, as in nothing.  It's turned me into that person who when you talk wants to look at you and say - Huh?  or Ummmm? or Hum?  I try to think, I know the peices and parts I'm supposed to be thinking about, but I can't make sense of them.  For all of my life I've been able to store large amounts of data in brain, organize it, shift it, use it to plan my lists and schedules.  As I got older, I had to rely on lists and write more down what with sleep deprivation from the young kids and all, but still i could rattle off facts and figures in a meeting that would amaze people.

 

This week I've sat in some meetings and I can tell they're waiting for me to find the thread, aggregate the information and have some stunning insight, only when I try, I get nothing.  I am a visual thinker and can close my eyes and see information, flow charts, processes draw out on my internal white board - usually because I can hear it and then see what is happening and what's supposed to happen I can be a few steps in front of other people in the room and lead them to where I want to go.  Not this week.  I look at that internal board and see gray fuzz.  I squint and try to focus, I say think Amy, think.  My muscle memory tells me I know how to do this and should be able to figure it out, but instead, I get nothing.  I sit quietly and hope the aha moment will come and pray I can make up for lost ground elsewhere.

 

And so it dawned on me, this is what it feels like when you're stupid.  You know, those people in meetings, or the grocery store, or on the phone with you who just don't get it.  You explain it 3 different ways, you talk slow, you walk them from point A to Z and even when they're nodding you know they really don't understand what the fuck you're talking about.  That's me, I'm that girl! Dumb.As.A.Rock.

 

I was in such a panic over this earlier in the day that I took my first pregnancy mulligan - 3 hits off a can of diet coke - caffinated!!! I know, I know, send the police, but man I was out of gas, a good nights sleep hadn't helped, and to be fair, I had gotten the ok from the doc for a little caffiene here and there.  And yes, nutrasweet will deform me and the child I'm carrying in some way or another, but we're fucked up anyway, and 3 swigs does not a future felon make.

 

And pay off? Oh you should have seen me this afternoon, I was on a roll.  I actually made sense in a meeting, I sent hubby a list of tasks and the order they needed to be done in, I paid some bills, I did REAL work, those few sips even made the neasua go away so I could eat a meal with meat and fruit and vegitables. And best of all, I could think, I could string coherent thoughts together and make conclusions, I had lost dumb Amy for a brief afernoon.  Sadly the effects are wearing off and I have not finished my day.  I will be tempted to cheat again tomorrow, but have decided to keep a can in a glass case with the sign "in case of really stupid - break".