One of the girl who works for me came in today with her 3 month old baby.  She's getting ready to start back to work and coming in to get her self re-aclimated to the office. I remember that feeling so vividly, excited to be back in your working life, terrified of leaving the baby and figuring out how to balance it all.  I held him while we had lunch and he napped on my chest for about an hour, I know what it's like to always eat a meal late because you're taking care of the baby; I was happy to oblige her, I can eat any ol time.

Whenever I see a baby it reminds me of just how much I want another one.  I miss the fine little hairs that tickle your chin.  I miss the smell.  I miss the funny way they look at you and then suddenly break into a big toothless smile.  I miss being pregnant, I miss nursing, I miss it all.  I'm not ready to stop having little ones underfoot.

20 months and counting.  Maybe once I get the whole breathing at night thing figured out I'll be blessed with a third.  I feel like an ingrate because I already have two, why be greedy and want more, maybe two is all I'm supposed to have.  But if that's the case, how come the urge is still there?  I think I've made all the deals with God I can make, I've got to decide in the next few months how much I'm going to pursue this with doctors and procedures and such.  I'm pissed that after two  this is something I've got to consider. 

I am thrilled for this new mother, I know she's going to have some ups and downs as she gets back to life/work/family coordination but fundamentally she's good people.  I feel guilty for resenting her but I just can't help it.  I don't keep score with my kids vs. anyone elses, but i do keep score with pregnancy stuff.  How come she can and I can't?  I hate you for being pregnant.  Unless you've struggled, worried, or had some difficulty, I don't want to be happy for you because I'm too busy being upset for myself.

This question falls onto the list of things I plan to ask God some day.  Simply why?