If you come from a well functioning family then you know, without a doubt, you are loved.  Of course, you do, you grew up with it around you, hugs, encouragement, support.  It's a foundation that lots of life gets built on.  I can do this because I know I'm loved.  I can try this because I know people are there to catch me.  When you grow up with some questions about just how loved are you - well the foundation is not so hot.  It's crumbly around the edges, it's easy to question how strong it is.  Lots of people I love have bad foundations; I wonder if we have some radar to find each other because we know we need more than what the parents were able to give.  What's funny is that none of us can tolerate the wallowers - whoah-is-me, I had a bad childhood - yeah well buck up buddy.  We come across as super strong, invincible, capable of conquering great things -  it's our protective armour that's been built up to make sure no one else can get in and make us vulnearable.

I'm lucky in that my hubby and best friend know me in that way that I have a hard time talking about.  They get that there are days where I feel like I'm standing on quick sand, that my life could fall in around me, and that it's not depression, it's not that I'm crazy, it's just I got a shaky foundation.  I forget that I'm loveable,  that I'm capable, that I'm worthy of something.  Sometimes they forget too, and that makes me sad.  Actually it pisses me off.  I'm furious that one person can have such a huge impact on your whole fucking life, that the soul is built in such a way that it really needs both parents that it craves that love and affection, and that without it, well it means you have good days and bad, that you have struggle to remember you are loved.

There is redemption in this story in my kids. Knowing that they will never have that doubt, that ache of why, that shaky foundation actually helps me with my own shit.  When they're older I'll explain in little bits how it affects me - they need to understand why their mother and father are nutty some days!  But they won't have the hole, and somehow that makes my life just a little bit easier. 

This posting is a reminder to know you are loved.  If you ever have a day when you're just feeling like crap, know that someone else gets it, I can see in that dark spot and put light there.  I know how much it hurts and promise that you are not alone.  You are loved.