from the weekend
Wednesday, June 15
Mom asked how my BIL was doing - not the emails from hell, but his new daughter. I gave her the run down, crazy mother, fighting just to see the child, pushing BIL away. And she replied - "you know, maybe it's better if he does go, I mean look at you Amy, you were much better off without 'him' in the picture".
I had a choice. Was that the moment that I shattered my mothers reality and explained to her why I was not ok, that I wasn't better off, that it took years for me to not think I was unlovable, that I still wonder almost daily about what my bio is doing, that I wonder if he thinks about me. The moment seemed like an eternity while I played out my options, its amazing how many angles and conversation trails you can go down in a millisecond. Today was not the day. I changed the subject so that she wouldn't notice the silence. I just couldn't tell her the truth, she would have moved the blame to herself. Mom is happy with her version of the universe and the truths she holds in it. The fact that her world may not line up with reality is ok and everyone around her caters to that.
Someday I would like to tell her the truth, I think it would heal things in me, but I worry to much about what it would break in her. She doesn't believe herself to be strong, in the last few years, I have become the rock she leans on, and telling her about the big gaping hole in the middle of me would be too much.
Instead I went upstairs and cried and hubby using his awesome hubby senses came up to check on me, got the run down of the last 10 mintues and proceed to fix me up. He has this way of looking at me that I love it makes that dark spot inside me feel like a gap and not a chasm. He has this great way of making me look in his eyes when I'm trying to hide from myself, it makes me confront the reality of what was said and move past it. He looks at me with love and I realize I'll be ok, I have my own rock to lean on.
Minutes later I bounded back down the stairs, the moment passed and went back to being the best daughter I can be, determined that my Mom have a fabulous weekend.
I had a choice. Was that the moment that I shattered my mothers reality and explained to her why I was not ok, that I wasn't better off, that it took years for me to not think I was unlovable, that I still wonder almost daily about what my bio is doing, that I wonder if he thinks about me. The moment seemed like an eternity while I played out my options, its amazing how many angles and conversation trails you can go down in a millisecond. Today was not the day. I changed the subject so that she wouldn't notice the silence. I just couldn't tell her the truth, she would have moved the blame to herself. Mom is happy with her version of the universe and the truths she holds in it. The fact that her world may not line up with reality is ok and everyone around her caters to that.
Someday I would like to tell her the truth, I think it would heal things in me, but I worry to much about what it would break in her. She doesn't believe herself to be strong, in the last few years, I have become the rock she leans on, and telling her about the big gaping hole in the middle of me would be too much.
Instead I went upstairs and cried and hubby using his awesome hubby senses came up to check on me, got the run down of the last 10 mintues and proceed to fix me up. He has this way of looking at me that I love it makes that dark spot inside me feel like a gap and not a chasm. He has this great way of making me look in his eyes when I'm trying to hide from myself, it makes me confront the reality of what was said and move past it. He looks at me with love and I realize I'll be ok, I have my own rock to lean on.
Minutes later I bounded back down the stairs, the moment passed and went back to being the best daughter I can be, determined that my Mom have a fabulous weekend.
posted by Amy's Working @ 5:06 PM
