I am not athletic, I never have been, never even close.  I was always the kid that played right field, batted toward the end of the line up, was asked to be the goalie, you know the type - smart girl, but she can't run to save her life, and on top of that she's clumsy, and awkward.  For years I've know it, I am pathetic.

I have to be careful now not impose all of my history on my kids -  to make sure they live their own destiny and not one that I've laid out to ensure they don't get trapped in my past - the feelings of sadness at being a backup, the sense of fear standing at the plate just knowing you were going to screw up.  Hating to play.  So a gold star for me - I've figured out that I can't warp them too much to resolve my own past,  Now I'm moving past that to think about my own history - I'm realizing that what I carry in my memories may not be what really happened, and that what I believe about myself may not be true - just a slight turn in circumstances, and how I think about myself could have been entirely different.

OK, yes, I am clumsy - I do trip and fall when nothing is there, and I am certainly not the fastest runner.  But that doesn't mean that I had to be unsuccessful athletically.  I think back now and realize no one really encouraged me. I was tracked - reader, artist, thinker - I couldn't be both.  In all my years, I don't ever remember anyone working with me to help me improve, to encourage me, to recognize that sucking upset me - I'm competitive in a piano competition, why wouldn't I want to be competitive on the field?  I hated sucking; I hated myself. I don't blame anyone, my parents were busy, they were working, I was lucky they could afford to sign me up for stuff, I get it.  But I can't help wonder how my life could have been different if someone, anyone, a coach, my parents, someone would have said - I believe in you - you can be great.

I know that about myself now - how positive reinforcement gets me going - praise me and encourage me and I'll go to the moon for you. I'll work harder, try harder and my heart will fill with joy when your pleased.  Make me feel in adequate and I shrink, get worse, don't try.  I'm not alone in this phenomenon, but how many parents and coaches realize this?  Thankfully my son will never have to worry about this when it comes to sports.  He's gifted like his Dad.  This year in T-ball I already saw it happen - some kids got outfield, Little B always got to play first.  He got lots of positive reinforcement, lots of praise, I could tell he was proud. I was relived. 

Did I learn some good lessons, hey we can't all play first, sometimes you are going to suck - you bet!  Do I fight harder than others for things I really want out of fear of losing it - probably.  But guess what, i also constantly struggle with self esteem, feeling inadequate, worried about not getting picked.  When little B finally tries something he's not good at, I'm going to be there to pump him up, to make him believe, to keep his confidence strong. So little man is off the worry list of having a bad sports life list and now I've only got little miss to stew over.  She already falls down a lot, and sadly, I think she runs like me, but she can also shake her booty better than Shakira.  So maybe its not sports for her, maybe its dance class - never did try that.  Who knows, I may never have been able to be Lisa Leslie because I was supposed to be J Lo.