With major moments in my life, I always look back at them later and realize, boy if that happened today, i'd handle it differently because I'm more emotionally mature, or what I care about now makes what was such a big deal then trivial.

I keep thinking that will happen with all this work life balance. Maybe that's part of the reason i have such a hard time with others not being patient. I mean i know that in the real scheme of things this is just a blip, but it gets magnified.

i have decided to act like I'm in my 40' s, where I'm over half way to 80 and some things just don't matter or bother me anymore. i am going to be more calm, less reactive as things gear up. Not be so flustered as the storm of crazy people range around me.

i am over being angry. I am over being frustrated. i am ready to be happy again, to have joy.

who knew i was an optimist who can't live as a pessimist.

I find myself wondering why others can't be patient like me.
I know
Me being the most patient
But i am drowning with everyone's sense of what must be done NOW!
who I owe what to - NOW!
why nothing can wait

Someone told me today that I need to take the hurry out of my life
I cried
how do i take out of my life what i have not made?

I don't want to hurry
I am not in a rush
I am being rushed

I know what waterboarding feels like
That sense of never being able to come up for air
having water poured on you like your drowning
but they just take turns

no one can wait for anything
and i am not one to flee
i fight

and i'm close to being really riled up
so i cry
because amy the fighter - well she's not very nice
she'll drop grenades if nothing else to stop the hurry

no one can just let me get through anything
so to end hurry means to tell others no
so who gets to hear no
i've alredy taken the last of me away
no one else i can say no to without a fight without a grenade

today i went somewhere to help figure this out
with hubby
so far i've gotten out of that i'm the one who needs to do less
but we've established there is no one who can take less right now
no one who can wait

so they all look at me to figure it out
and either i will
or i will fight, tired of trying

i'm not angry i guess, more scared at what happens when i finally decide enough is enough and can't control my mouth - when I pop off. i don't sit in failure very well which means things have to change.

who loses because in the end someone is going to - and that scares me.

All because no one but me can be patient.

i know this will pass, i know this is the worst of it, 6 months from now this will just seem like a bad time, but can I just ask one on this list

please be patient.

im so tired of being patient.