NKOTB

November - High School Reunion

2008 the year of comebacks

'nough said.

I've already made up my mind about what the next 2 years needs to look like for my career. And I feel relieved. For me the hardest part is just making the decision, one I've got it worked out, I go forward, no regrets, and enjoy.

Tonight I'm supposed to be working, but its on stuff I hope to shed in the coming weeks. Instead of doing the work, I read 2 books to princess, hung out on the couch with little man talking and snuggled with little munchkin before putting her to bed. Tomorrow night - have to leave by 4:30 for first baseball game. next night same time for princess first t-ball game. I keep thinking ooh god, I need to get this news out in the world and have someone else in place so I don't leave things hanging. Still the balance feels amazing. And the work will still be good.

that was the other surprise for me today. sitting in a team meeting, laughing with the team, I realized, i wasn't ready to leave them and they aren't ready for me to go. So i have a dirty little secret and over the next few weeks I need to work my network and management chain so I can evolve my role without totally fucking my career.

and the money, well lord child i would love that money, but it's not like i'm broke and whats the point of owning an acura mdx if i'm never in it because it's always parked at the office?

This zen moment brought to you by Jacobs Creek Shiraz Cabarnet

I have the opportunity to be promoted to a VP in our company. It'd be a great job, I would get a nice raise, annual bonus would go up and know I could do the job. But, I'm struggling with saying yes because on one hand this puts our family into a new level of financial security. We move from being good to comfortable. From the Honda to the Acura if you know what I mean.

The down side is that first, I don't know if I'm ready for this and secondly I can't totally disengage from the project I'm doing now which means i'm going to have to eliminate any and all parts of my life for the next 6 months to pull it off. This would be easier if I didn't feel loyalty to a customer - and before you say screw them, it's one of those good for the country kinds of projects so really, go for greed or my own geeky way of national services.

Bottom line, if I don't take the position, I have to tell them to hire someone else, likely push VP off for 2 years and hope the new boss is good.

Right now I'm leaning towards having the conversation of not me, not now and working to shed some of the current expectations and pressures that are on me. I want to focus on other things besides just work this year. I'm trying to remember that being glutonous is not good. Still its hard to even think about saying nope, sorry, I know what I'm doing but it' s not right for me right now and you can't wait 6 months for me.

Still the idea of saying no makes me feel more relieved than disappointed.

The princess has not had a great first year of school. She's had more discipline problems than we expected and recently she announced she didn't want anyone to come to her birthday party from her class because none of them were her friends.

Knowing princess, to declare she had no friends is like telling me the moon will rise at 9am and the sun will show up at midnight. It simply goes against her and her nature.

Well today we figured it out. In the context of a meeting about a speech issue she has I was finally able to arrange the peices of the picture to figure out what was really happening. Her teacher, simply a dud, no personality, boring woman.

Lets hold the why the fuck are you teach Kindergarden lady questions for another day okay? Instead, I sit here knowing there is not a damn thing I or princess can do about it. No before the teachers come at me hard, know that I am the daughter of a teacher, Buffalo Gal is a teacher and my sister in law in a teacher, I am all but a made man with these mafioso's and there is zero chance I would speak out against one unless I was damn sure.

I was sitting today in this conference and what hit me was the difference in reaction to my child from the speech therapist to her teacher. I will be the first to admit my kid has a future as a soap star, but she is smarth, enthusiastic and teachers usually love to have her in their class. So the speech therapist is talking about the assessment, the activities they did and I could tell, she gets it - then I turn to look to the teacher and you can just tell, my kid is a pain in her ass.

Think about it, as an adult, we know the duds right - it's not that they're introverted they're just beige and I have a child that lives in neon technicolor with glitter. As one of them was talking I just quietly watched the teacher. hair looked like she cut it herself, several jokes and just conversastional humor fell flat with her, clothing unkempt and not polished and I realized - every day my kid goes to school and thinks - lady get yourself together.

YOU ARE NOT FABULOUS.

I'm now on a fact finding mission to lock down the first grade teacher. I will move from silent - hey she's always good for a check mom to - yes it's me again, coming for another meeting, lets talk about what I expect for my daughter. Should be a fun month but there is zero chance I'm going to have her flame snuffed out and instead I will work to fight the boring, ordinary lady that is this teacher. I will teach the little miss how to be counter culture and fight the establishment through well placed jokes and being mildly subversive without ever having anything that can be used against you. I know how to fuck with authority and it's time to share this wisdom with the next generation of women in our clan.

I forgive you all the things that drive me nuts
I forgive you all the things you do that I ignore because we're in it forever
I have moved from anger to amusement at the oddities that are you
I have accepted you quirks and all

But me, well I am perpetually late and an abdicator of time
My clock, my time piece has never synced with the normal world
i forget it
i ignore it
i miss it
i abhore it

but that trait in me which i have tried to organize, control, overplan out can't be squashed out
an you hate it
you know it is not w0rk that makes me this way
the clock and i miss each other every saturday and sunday too
but you hate it
almost hate me
so angry

and I wonder after how many years together, decades almost know
when will it be cute
or at least not something that makes you scream
when will it be something you just build into the fabric of our lives because you know it's me

i forgive you for not being able to accept this thing so fundamental in me that I feel like a river being forced north that should go south
i pray you'll come to peace with me, who i am, big, fatal flaws and all
and I'm sorry
for not having the watch on
not keeping track of the time
not being near the cell phone
for being late
for you thinking it means I didn't appreciate where you needed to be
for doing it again
and again
for not even trying to act super sorry
for not making an excuse - i'm tired of them and tired of trying
for not being able to stop

i love you madly, deeply forever and will hold out hope - wish time on my side - that i'll get better before another relaspe and you'll come to grow old with me and see that i'm not doing it because i don't care where you need to be, its just who i am

and yes, my dear daughter, someday I will take your husband aside and explain exactly why he needs to stop getting so angry because I know you too possess this gift where you can jump in and out of time. if i can't get your father to understand maybe we will together or I will save you countless arguments with your own prince charming

sigh

This week my cousin had a baby and one of the girls who works for me announced she was pregnant. Having had 3, and struggle as I did to get them, I was happy to know that I no longer had that wave of I HATE YOUR GUTS AGGGGHHH that used to wash over me happen. I am no longer resentful of other people who can have families. I still get outraged when a peice of trash mother ends up with kids, does something awful and I think - why can she get knocked up so quickly?

But these 2 women, they're great, both will be amazing moms, and me, I've got baby fever. Bad. I mean bad. We can handle 4 kids and my job that keeps me away from home more than it should! My super mom cape is quite impressive and I'm sure we can find a way to do it! I just really want to have one, hold one, stay up at night snuggling with one. There is truly no better feeling in this world than holding an infant, watching it look deep into your eyes, forcing you to be still because they take your energy and make it their own.

My littlest turns 2 next months, she still lets me holder when she's tired, but there is no more snuggling for hours on end. My oldest turns 9 this year and he's all arms and legs - snuggling with him is like wrestling with pool noddles. And then there's the princess, she's still a snuggler, but in between she's also a girl who likes to act the way I did - all mouth, lots of sass and frankly, a little bitchy some times. So the infant period of our lives is over. No more babies except those of friends and family. The cousin lives in Denver and it will be a few weeks until I get out there. The girls in my office is only 12 weeks so we've got a while to go with her, and me, I'll just grab the ones I've got and be content with the blessings they are.