I was diagnosed with sleep apnea about 8 weeks ago.  It's this lovely thing where you stop breathing while you sleep. I've known for a while that I probably had it - heck I've woken myself up from snoring, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal or that big if an issue with my health.

Well Super Mom was wrong!  I went and had a sleep study done and they came back and told me that I not only had it, but it was VERY extreme.  The extreme that kills people kind, the extreme that causes heart attacks, strokes and all sorts of other death and dying illnesses.  Moreover, it was having an impact on my weight (and the inability to lose it) and my fertitlity (or lack thereof).  

It's werid because when the Dr. was talking to me, I was thinking holy crap, this is serious, I just thought I snored a bit, I mean, death, stroke, heart attack?!?!?!?!  And at the same time he was saying how really excited he is because I must feel like crap all the time (yeah, I'm a mother of two young kids who doesn't) and how the weight will drop off me, and how I'll get pregnant in a snap, so the left side of me is going - yeah, I'll get skinny again, and the right side of me thinking, I could die from this shit.  This is truly the first time my own mortality came up and smaked me in the face, I never have had anything sersiously wrong with me, heck I haven't even broken a bone or something that needed a cast.  I left feeling scared and vulnearable and worried about my kids and worried about leaving hubby too soon, and hopeful that my already great life would be filled with another child, and scared of what treatments lied ahead.

So, fast forward to a few doctors appointments later and I now have an excuse for being over-weight - yeah, and have become the proud new owner of a cpap machine.  A cpap machine -is that a fancy name for vibrator?  Nope, it's this box that sits by my nightstand, has a hose that comes out of it that looks very much like the one attached to my vacuum cleaner, and the hose attaches to a mask that is securely on my face, covering my nose and mouth, through a series of velcro straps.  Think granma with her oxygen mask, only it's strapped on like some rubber ball gag.  It's embarassing to wear this thing, it's gray and ugly and I asked if the hose came in pink but they just looked at me odd.  Being the geek that I am, I can't help but think of all the science fiction movies like alien and fear that I'm going to weak up on the mother ship becaue the aliens will have spotted me in this thing and confused me for one of their own.

The good news is that after only a few days I'm feel more rested.  Turns out when you wake up every 6 minutes, your body has a hard time getting rested.  The bad news is that without surgery I will have to wear this thing for the rest of my life - or to quote my fave sponge bob episode foooorrrrrevvvveerrrr.   The alternative to not wearing it is - well early death.  Ok, I am exaggerating, maybe just a stroke.

Hubby has been gone since the cpap machine has arrived.  When he returns, he will find his wife in a sexy outfit, with a giant hose coming from her face and breathing in that weeefffffff shhhhhhh weeffffffff shhhhhh Vader-esque way and I will look at him with love in my eyes and say "Luke, I am your father, come give Daddy a kiss'".  And he will, because we all know that Darth Vader is sexy.