Intead of giving Hubby a Valentine's reward for the nice cards and meal already on the table when I got home (I still hate this holiday but never say no to someone else cooking), he got a midly upset, ok somewhat crazed, wife because I got my period yesterday. Why upset? Well for 8 months I've been off the pill hoping to knock up/out number 3 and instead of getting morning sickness I have my period migrane and when I added up the months off the pill, I was overcome with a deep sense of hopelessness and fear that I will never be pregnant again.

I hate my body for betraying me.

When we started talking about having kids I was in my twenties and after almost 2 years of trying was told that I may never have children. Then, suddenly Little B shows up without any drugs, needles or what was then known as Plan B, and C. When we thought about #2, I was off the pill for 3 months before Missy started to grow. So you would think that my body was on track to knock out #3, but it looks like that's not the case. When we first started trying for #3, I was at my old very stressful, overworked job. I left that place and am now 4 months into the new one, definately not stressed, at times bored, and still no baby.

The problem is that I'm getting up there in years, and before to long I'm going to have to give up on conception all together - I will not be a 50 year old mother of a newborn! I also don't think Plan B and C sound nearly as appealing, we have 2 afterall. I'm emotionally totally ok with adopting, but the fact of the matter is that I love being pregnant. I love the feel of the baby inside me, I love thinking about what's growing and can picture litte strands of DNA coming together from Hubby and me to make this beautiful thing. I love it when the roll over and make my insides shudder, I love it when they hiccup and my stomache does this wierd shaking thing. Simply, I want one more shot at having something inside me that is so totally mine for ten amazing months.

It doesn't help that lots of stupid fucking people get pregnant and conceive at the drop of a hat. All women struggling to have a child hate these women, I mean a visceral hate where you question the unvierse for being so evil as to gift these future horrible mothers with something so wonderful that you know you deserve and they don't. When I'm pregnant this hate will subside, but right now, almost anyone who announces a pregnancy and didn't struggle, cry, and panic will get my fake smile with an I hate your fucking guts reaction lurking under the surface.

This is happening in my family right now. My Hubby's brother may have knocked up a girl (not sure if it's his - we'll know in 3 moths). She's a total waste of a human being and she's pregnant - claims she didn't even know until the 7th month! What'd you think that basketball in your stomache was a fucking tumor you dumb ass bitch. Of course she's 23, like's to go to rave's, has already been arrested for DUI once, and is basically not fit to manage the life in her womb - but SHE'S pregnant. Me, who gives up all things that matter, who follows every dietrary rule: f0lic acid - check, no mercury contaminated fish - check, check - elimination of caffiene, alcohol, nutra sweet, and all vices I love - check, check, check. Not pregnant.

I'm not totally desperate, just panicy at period time, but a couple more months of this and I'll be on the verge of hysterical crying each time I see anything baby related. Even that stupid talking Quizno's baby could put me over the edge. At this point I'm trying to figure out what worked with the first two. The last trick in the bag is to bombard my eggs with sperm. Both kids were concieved while on vacation where we fucked like rabbits, drank like fish, and partied well into the night - don't worry kids stay with Grandparents. I think it's time to schedule operation sperm assault, and if that doesn't work, well maybe 2's all we're supposed to have and the big 4 bedroom house we're about to buy will always have a guest room.