I hate parenting books, parenting coaches, parenting magazines, and anyone else whose got some input on how to be a parent. "the key is consistency", "here's what a 3 year old should be doing", "solving night time problems with love". I'm gonna write a book called - fuck the experts, do what you need to do - a working Mom's guide to parenting. See, most of this stuff probably works if you're a person whose child is born without any sort of independence or free will and whose sole purpose is to make their parents happy. I went to school with a kid like this - boring but his folks must have loved the fact that he NEVER disobeyed. "Son, go jump of the bridge" "Ok Dad, your word is law".

I find myself with 2 kids who already have a sense of themselves and get that I'm a person who shits the same as they do (they spend enough time in the bathroom with me to know all of my bodily functions). So when they go of course, my choices are along the lines of: how much do I want to battle them, fear that if I give in now, she'll definitely be a stripper by 18, or do I want to burn supper or make sure they stay in time-out? This past week, the problem was that they stopped sleeping through the night, I did try the "right way" and then realized after 4 sleepless nights, I should have gone with my instinct, told "What to expect" to fuck off and just get some sleep.

You see, since Sunday I’ve found myself up until almost 1 with Little B crying because he’s afraid of his room, (think - Mommy, there's a bear in my room and my reply being, I'm a god damn bear and I'm going to growl if you DON"T GO TO SLEEP NOW) and then back up again at 3 fucking AM because Missy wakes up like it’s 8 and she’s ready to play (MISSY - ITS 3 AM GO TO SLEEP OR ELSE). Where’s Hubby during all this? SLEEPING. Didn't even budge when I bring Missy into the bed and she proceeds to kick him in the head.

Last Night I had my epiphany, I don’t have to follow these stupid books, because at this point, they can sleep in my room until their 18, as long as I can get some regular sleep, everyone wins. I warned Hubby that I was done with the fighting and that instead, I was going for sleep over discipline. He had a skeptical look – probably realized if this plays out sex will almost never happen, but I’m a desperate for sleep not dick. Operation take back the sleep went like this:

Kept the kids of up an hour past normal bed time and made sure they did lots of running and playing – no laying down cause you’re tired – we’re all fucking tired in this house. Then, assigned Hubby to Missy with explicit directions: read her one story and give her some cold PM medicine, she’s been coughing a lot – WHAT? She has! I took Little B and read 2 books and then intentionally laid down with him and fell asleep. Fast-forward 2 hours later – I wake up, the house is quite, and I can spend a few minutes in the bathroom actually brushing my teeth and washing my face – whoopee. Back to my room where I strategically place the remote control and load up the dvd player. Sure enough, at 3am in comes Missy, put in her bed with Hubby and I, hit play on her favorite movie and back to sleep. 7am alarm goes off, Mom is rested, everyone has survived the night and I no longer feel like a serial killer.